Ups & downs

Sometimes things are hard.  Too hard.  Hard for long enough that you start questioning how it is that you ended up where you are.  What were all the seemingly insignificant choices that you actively made, or let be made for you that brought you to the time and place where daily existence is a constant struggle?  I've been here before.  I am hopeful I will not be here again.  The difference is that after years of doing it the wrong way, I think I am figuring out how to cope in more of the right way.  In the past I have totally shut down, lost my center and allowed myself to become completely depressed.  That was before I had any tool bag for coping when things get tough...  

 So what's the big problem you may think?  What could possibly be wrong for someone who lives in a tropical paradise?  Somehow, my active choices have gotten me in way over my head.  For someone who consciously has chosen balance and everyday well being above all else, it seems absurd that I have not taken a full day off for over a month.  I have put in at least 60 hours of work a week, often more like 75.  I look in the mirror and I think, how is this lifestyle reflective in any way of my values?   

If I were talking to someone else, I would be asking them what their exit strategy is.  Fortunately for me, I already have one.  If something is deeply not working, not in line with your values, get over any expectations you may have placed on yourself and make a change.  If you need to stick things through for awhile before that change will happen, somehow you'll have to make peace with the fact that it is okay to feel frustrated.  Things can be tough and you can still be okay.  My mantra lately has become, this is only temporary, see the big picture.  As was brilliantly stated to me this morning by my beautiful husband, "You are not supposed to like things that are hard, that's why they are called hard."  Which brings me to another point.  Don't suffer in silence.  I mean don't use your friends as a punching bag, but things don't have to be good all the time and it is okay to admit that things aren't great.  I think when we resist strongly certain emotions it means we haven't fully accepted them.... so I guess I have found a few more things to add to my list of things to accept!

So where is the light at the end of the tunnel?  In 12 weeks this experiment into ridiculous work hours is over.  I will have accomplished something I didn't think was possible, something that has brought me to tears and lead me to see and know myself more intimately.  I have learned a lot about myself and where I see myself in the future.  So, I will do my best, I will undoubtedly continue to be challenged and pushed to my edge, and hopefully, that is where I will see some truth.

10-day detox results

Well, my 10-day winter detox is over!!!  As always, it was quite informative.  Each season has a Dosha that will get out of whack, that accumulates and then shows up as physical, mental or emotional symptoms.  Winter, is Kapha season.  Signs that Kapha is out of balance are lethargy, sadness, weight gain beyond the normal few pounds we all pack on during winter, congestion, slow digestion, the list goes on and on!  It's normal for all of us to experience a bit of the above listed symptoms during Winter, and more likely for those of us with Kapha dosha (raises hand!).  That's right ladies and gentleman, I am a proud member of the Vata-Kapha club.  So I get nailed with imbalance for two seasons in a row.  Straight from anxiety producing autumn to depression filled winter....

JUST KIDDING!  I love Autumn, I have so much energy (which some people might call deranged Vata)!  I also appreciate that Winter tells me to rest.  Speaking of resting, one of the insights I gained over my 10-day detox was how fatigued I have been.  We moved from Seattle to Honolulu in August and it has been non-stop since we step foot on this Island.  New city, new job, grad school, new community, change, change, change.  My Vata spirit loves change!  However, Vata girl + Vata season + Vata lifestyle = Vata imbalance.  Oh, I also flew from Honolulu-LA-Chicago-West Palm Beach-LA-Honolulu in 10 days over my school and work break.  Nothing like flying to amp up your Vata.  So, back to the point. 

I was completely exhausted.  So even though my life was as busy as ever during the detox, I drank herbal tea.  I took naps.  I religiously abhyasa'd, something that can go out the window against my better knowledge when I get busy.  Note to self: make sure to abhyasa & get enough sleep!  Another thing I noticed was that wheat isn't digesting well for me in the morning, wheat is a Kapha inducing food.  So I will forgo the toast and stick to eating rice with cinnamon, cloves and cardamom for breakfast at least until Kapha season is over.  By the way, after 10 days of a simple diet, I find I don't want the extras and I am not craving processed food.  Vegetables taste divine simply prepared.  I also had a cup of coffee that was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted, and appreciated its power to make me focus (it makes not interesting things interesting!!!).  Decisively, 10-day detox diets always teach me something, and help me to slow down and simplify.

Sadhana in the midst of chaos

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of practice.  For a teacher of yoga, I think it is necessary.  When we feel good, we practice.  When we feel bad, we practice.  When there are a million other things we "should" be doing we practice.  Part of the reason I think it is important to practice as daily as possible as an instructor has to do with authenticity; walk the walk, practice what you preach, all those mottos come to mind.

 

This week was completely insane.  Actually, let me back up, the past few weeks have been completely ridiculous.  I have been burning the candle at both ends, waking up at 6am and working until near midnight.  Weekends?  They haven't really existed, that is to say, I take it easier, squeeze in a surf session; but still put in at least 5 hours a day of work.  Normally, I wake up, do asana, pranayama and meditation in the morning, or do my whole practice when I get home from campus. With so much to do and so little time, I had to get creative on how to work my practice into my life.  Rather than sitting on my bolster in my living room, I decided my daily meditation this week would occur biking to campus and then from campus to home.  Thich Nhat Hanh writes on moving meditations in his book Being Peace,

            "Walking meditation is really to enjoy the walking.  Walking not in order to arrive, just for walking.  The purpose is to be in the present moment and enjoy each step you make.  Therefore you have to shake off all worries and anxieties, not thinking of the future, not thinking of the past, just enjoying the present moment." (110-111)

So, I took this passage to heart and tried a biking meditation.  It was delightful and necessary with so much happening in my life.  

 This week will be less hectic.  I will be able to get some decent sleep and get back on my cushion.  I will not forget however, to clear my head while biking.  Leave what ever has happened in the morning as it is on my way out the door and breath with a wide, spacious mind on my bicycle, not worrying about what is to come when I arrive at my destination.  In my mind, the more moments during the day we can clear our heads and breath, the more our deeds are in line with our values, we say and do what we mean to.  The more we are present the more opportunities we will have to observe beauty and appreciate all that is good in our lives.  Moment to moment to moment . . .

Elimination diet!

Recently a dear friend of mine, Jesse, came to visit Oahu for his birthday.  Among the many things that I love about him (his wit, adventurous & fun nature, taste in music, good food, beer & coffee, his love of all things orange, keen sense of style, the fact that he regularly sends me postcards) is that every year Jesse takes a 30-day cleanse.  He forgoes alcohol and caffeine (among other things) and dedicates the time to the pursuit of all things healthy.  For the past two years, Jesse's 30-day cleanse has culminated with Rachel & my President's Day yoga retreat at Aldermarsh.  This year, as sadly there is no Aldermarsh retreat, Jesse wanted to try something different.  So he scoped out Banyan Botanicals Ayurvedic Cleanse Kit and asked me to take a look at the package.  Ayurveda is a science that takes the individual person with their personal Doshas, in their current state quite seriously.  So while sure, the Ayurvedic Cleanse Kit is okay.... (honestly, fundamentally I have a problem with the one fits all idea Kit given the premise of Ayurveda), Jesse and I spoke and I put together a combination of herbs for him to order and mix; specific to Jesse's doshas.  I gave him a basic kitcheri recipe to follow as part of a 10-day Elimination diet.  He and I will be in touch over the course of his experimentation with Neti pots, herbs and kitcheri (oh my!!!).  

 I am a big fan of reduction (Elimination) diets and a big fan of food.  Most people (through the Ayurvedic lense) should not go on crazy fasts with no food.   In fact, the only Dosha equipped to handle no food is a purely Kapha person.  For the rest, the majority of us, fasting does more harm than good.  I appreciate the Elimination Diet because it slowly eases you in and out of the process of letting go of extras like caffeine, it minimizing cravings and adverse reactions, like headaches, and allows you to eat the entire way.  

 Personally, I try to do the Elimination Diet at the juncture of every season, however, it simply depends on what is going on in my life and if it will do more harm than help.  So, although the Winter season change happened in December, due to finals, holiday travel, etc., I'll be doing my winter Elimination Diet starting tomorrow.  Wish me luck!  If you'd like to join us on an Elimination Diet and need some advice or would like Ayurvedic consultation or follow up, don't hesitate to get in touch.  We can talk in person or via Skype!  Until next week, be happy, be healthy, be you!

Sadhana (practice) - Just do it!!!

There is a lot of controversy in the yoga world about practice.  How much should you practice? Daily?  If so, for how long?  How much is too much?  These are all good questions that I will get to after I take a trip down memory lane.

My first yoga class was in a community center in Illinois during my senior year in High School.  My memory of the experience is rather foggy but I think it was a Hatha class.  During college I took more classes in a variety of styles at different studios around Madison.  It was during this time that I began a home practice.  I did not have a mentor or a teacher or anyone telling me this was a good thing to do, it just made sense.  It wasn't so much that I was a broke college student, having the support of my parents and year round job, it was more that my schedule didn't always line up with classes. 

          
You may not know it, but I am something of an introvert.  My husband likes to call me the most extroverted introvert that he knows (he definitely being TRULY an introvert!!!).  But it is true!  I have always been shy and sensitive.  I have never felt comfortable with big groups of people I don't know.  So, when I had the choice to just practice at home by myself or enter a studio, often I chose to be at home.  Some people really struggle with creating and maintaining a home practice.  I cannot say I relate to this.  It usually takes less than a week away from my home practice when I start to see my life deteriorate in quality all around me.  I have a shorter fuse.  I am not as productive.  I commit prajnaparadha (crimes against wisdom) you know, bad choices, choices that will not make me feel happy and healthy in the short or long term.  This is when you willfully ignore your own inner wisdom or that little voice in your head.  
 
So how often should you practice?  My advice is that you practice every day!  While listening to an interview with Dr. Baxter Bell on Yoga for Healthy Ageing, I heard an interesting quote from Judith Lasater on practice.  When asked how often you should practice, she responded, "Only on the days that you want to feel good."  I agree!  This does not mean you need to practice 2 hours every day. Or if you miss a few days you should beat yourself up over it.  But, making a commitment to practice and sticking with it will have what is called the 'glacier effect'.  The weight of the practice, like a glacier, reaches a critical mass and it slips.  The practice and way of life takes hold of you and will just move you along (Sutra IV.26).  You'll feel so good from your practice that you will keep doing it, you will want to do your practice because you will see the benefits.

How much should you practice?  For me, it was helpful to set a minimum daily requirement (MDR).  It is not much either!  My MDR is ten minutes of asana, five minutes of pranayama and ten minutes of meditation.  That's 25 minutes.  Also, if I am feeling very tired those ten minutes of asana might just be restorative yoga with a bolster, blanket and eye pillow, savasana anyone???  This leads me to my next point; daily practice should make you feel better, not worse.  So if you are tired, let your asana practice be mellow, if you have some steam to work off or need to do some strengthening work, pump up the volume (dance, dance) on your practice and get moving!  Your MDR may be more or less or include different things.  If you don't have a pranayama or meditation practice, no worries (although I would highly recommend them!).  To sum it up, daily sadhana is worth it!  Just do it!

See you next year at LAX!

Ahhhhh, nothing like holiday traveling to bring out the best behavior that humanity has to offer.  Ironically, in the midst of collective societal New Years resolutions I found myself at LAX trying to navigate my way from the American Airlines terminal to the United terminal. 

I have been at airports all over the world, I have traveled places where I cannot speak the language and I must say, navigating LAX was harder than most of the places I have been.  Within 2 minutes at LAX I felt bewildered.  There were no maps to explain the layout of the airport and few airline personnel to be found.  Finally, I found someone to point me in the right direction, a fifteen-minute walk to another terminal where I would have to go through security again.  

While standing in the security line, which seemed pointless as I had gone through security to get on my first flight, I stood behind a man screaming at his wife on a cell phone.  His energy was so negative that I found myself cringing and energetically closing off while physically moving away.  Everyone in the vicinity grew quite.  As I observed the scene unfolding, the man went from screaming at his wife to yelling at the security personnel, and something shifted in my mind.  I noticed my frustration, tiredness, and discomfort with the situation.  I stopped (nirodhah) my inner dialogue, judgment and feelings.  I took a moment in the security line to breath in light and breath out darkness, and I kept breathing until clarity and well being filled my mind. 

In a matter of a minute, one man's rage turned my personal agitation and suffering (duhkha) into presence and compassion.  As it turned out, the man had lost his wife somewhere in the airport and had all her carry on luggage.  Two carry on bags are the limit, so security wouldn't let him through to his flight and to meet his wife who had somehow found her way to the gate. Granted his reaction wasn't fantastic but hey, how would you feel?

One of my teacher's Jo Leffingwell says to use everything as a reminder to come back to the practice.  So if you are sitting in meditation and you hear a practitioner obnoxiously clearing their throat you should thank them in your mind for reminding you to be present.  The things that bother you are invitations to get a little closer to all the uncomfortable parts of yourself that you try so hard to push away.  This allows you to integrate the shadow side of yourself with the one that you put out on display for the world to see. 

Coincidentally, a similar situation unfolded a few days earlier while I was practicing asana in the garage (aka my yoga studio) in my parents' home in Florida.  My adorable 2-year-old niece Shea came in to play in my yoga studio ;)  Her mother Megan looked at me and playfully chimed, "I hope you weren't trying to meditate!" Sincerely, it was no problem and Shea's presence was completely welcome.  She played and I practiced.  Sure, it's a lot more enjoyable to have a little girl’s chatter or the sound of crashing waves to remind you to be present with your self but we cannot always control our environments.  Nor should we!  We can plan for the best, but life always throws you curve balls.  Sometimes those uninvited guests are exactly what you need to face yourself honestly and to grow.

Pema Chödrön explains this concept perfectly.  She writes, " I saw a cartoon that describes this.  A head of iceberg lettuce is sitting in a garden saying, 'Oh no, how did I get in this vegetable garden again?  I wanted to be a wildflower!'  The caption reads, Oscar is born again as a head of iceberg lettuce in order to overcome his fear of being eaten."  Ha ha ha. 

As I am continually working on making friends with my fears and my humanness I have come to the following conclusion...

Traveling around the holidays will always provide a plethora of experiences that will allow me to see all of my dirt and situations that force me to pull out all of my tools in the hopes that I will handle the stress a bit more gracefully. 

All that being said, I am very much looking forward to next year's holiday travel time!  See you at LAX!

Winter Ritucharya

Winter is officially here.  Ahhhhh winter.  When we are in balance it can be a cozy season of rest, introspection, quiet practice, warm teas, warm baths and warm blankets to balance the external cold.  When we are out of balance, it can be a season of internal darkness, sluggishness, lethargy, loneliness and harshness, seemingly increased by the lack of light and color.

Don't get me wrong, I despise the cold.  I have a chronic case of where's my extra layer???  My side of the bed always has an extra blanket and you may find me curled up with socks and a sweater while I sleep.  My body lacks a strong internal fire, the kind that finds some people throwing blankets to the other side of the bed in the middle of the night and searching for cold drinks regardless of the single digit on the thermometer outside.

Despite my aversion to all things cold, I understand, respect and enjoy Winter's purpose.  Winter provides the perfect space for rest.  If you look outside, nature is resting.  She is hibernating, saving her energy for a more appropriate time of year.

If I have learned one thing from studying Ayurveda intensively this year, you do not get into a battle of wits with Mother Nature.  She will smack you down.  There is no way to get around nature, you cannot talk a hurricane into shifting it's course or pretend that you will get on your flight to Chicago when they have actually cancelled it due to a foot of snow (yes, this did just happened to me yesterday).  Nature will run it's course, regardless of how you feel about it.

So my advice?  Work with it.  Seek the beauty of winter, it's stillness, it's silence and even it's darkness.  It is easier to see the stars that way, both in the sky and inside of ourselves.  What glows inside of you regardless of the season?

Oh, and eat warm food and drink warm beverages.  Do your asana practice with determination and effort.  Focus on commitment and strength.  Think long holds in standing or inverted postures.  Take pranayama practices that uplift energy and create internal heat.  Winter can also be a fantastic time to take back some time for quiet meditation.  Winter is already doing it.  Follow it's lead.