Ups & downs

Sometimes things are hard.  Too hard.  Hard for long enough that you start questioning how it is that you ended up where you are.  What were all the seemingly insignificant choices that you actively made, or let be made for you that brought you to the time and place where daily existence is a constant struggle?  I've been here before.  I am hopeful I will not be here again.  The difference is that after years of doing it the wrong way, I think I am figuring out how to cope in more of the right way.  In the past I have totally shut down, lost my center and allowed myself to become completely depressed.  That was before I had any tool bag for coping when things get tough...  

 So what's the big problem you may think?  What could possibly be wrong for someone who lives in a tropical paradise?  Somehow, my active choices have gotten me in way over my head.  For someone who consciously has chosen balance and everyday well being above all else, it seems absurd that I have not taken a full day off for over a month.  I have put in at least 60 hours of work a week, often more like 75.  I look in the mirror and I think, how is this lifestyle reflective in any way of my values?   

If I were talking to someone else, I would be asking them what their exit strategy is.  Fortunately for me, I already have one.  If something is deeply not working, not in line with your values, get over any expectations you may have placed on yourself and make a change.  If you need to stick things through for awhile before that change will happen, somehow you'll have to make peace with the fact that it is okay to feel frustrated.  Things can be tough and you can still be okay.  My mantra lately has become, this is only temporary, see the big picture.  As was brilliantly stated to me this morning by my beautiful husband, "You are not supposed to like things that are hard, that's why they are called hard."  Which brings me to another point.  Don't suffer in silence.  I mean don't use your friends as a punching bag, but things don't have to be good all the time and it is okay to admit that things aren't great.  I think when we resist strongly certain emotions it means we haven't fully accepted them.... so I guess I have found a few more things to add to my list of things to accept!

So where is the light at the end of the tunnel?  In 12 weeks this experiment into ridiculous work hours is over.  I will have accomplished something I didn't think was possible, something that has brought me to tears and lead me to see and know myself more intimately.  I have learned a lot about myself and where I see myself in the future.  So, I will do my best, I will undoubtedly continue to be challenged and pushed to my edge, and hopefully, that is where I will see some truth.