Where ever you go, there you are.

"Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news.  But for practitioners or spiritual warriors- people who have a hunger to know what is true- feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back.  They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away.  They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck.  This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are."  ~Pema Chödrön

People often talk to me about starting a home practice or starting to meditate like it is some big complicated thing that they will never be able to do.  Let me tell you, everyone can!!!  Sincerely.  

Recently,  I had a conversation with a person who told me they wanted to travel to a place half-way around the world so they could be in a specific place, with a specific practice that they knew would be great inspiration to start their meditation practice.

The beauty of Pema Chödrön's words state what to me is becoming more and more obvious.  Where ever you go, there you are.  There you are, with everything you need to practice.  Every moment, every emotion that you feel, every experience you have is a chance to dive in and explore or to run away. 

This weekend I tried to go to a yoga class.  I wanted badly to have someone lead me.  I arrived at the studio and no one was at the desk.  I waited.  Eventually, I left.  As I was biking home I felt a deep sadness, disappointment, frustration and a longing to connect in a community.  I had motivated, tried to do something good for myself and it didn't work out.  So I came home, rolled out my mat, laid down on my abdomen on the surface and let myself be sad...just for a minute.  I accepted it.  Then I started to breath, deeply.  I let my abdomen fill and press into the ground.  Then I started moving. 

That's the thing about life.  It just keeps happening.  The more we fight our experiences, the more they harm us.  The more we are awake to the experiences, our ever changing emotions and thoughts that go along with them, the easier things get.   

Like Swami Satchitananda said, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." 

Ups & downs

Sometimes things are hard.  Too hard.  Hard for long enough that you start questioning how it is that you ended up where you are.  What were all the seemingly insignificant choices that you actively made, or let be made for you that brought you to the time and place where daily existence is a constant struggle?  I've been here before.  I am hopeful I will not be here again.  The difference is that after years of doing it the wrong way, I think I am figuring out how to cope in more of the right way.  In the past I have totally shut down, lost my center and allowed myself to become completely depressed.  That was before I had any tool bag for coping when things get tough...  

 So what's the big problem you may think?  What could possibly be wrong for someone who lives in a tropical paradise?  Somehow, my active choices have gotten me in way over my head.  For someone who consciously has chosen balance and everyday well being above all else, it seems absurd that I have not taken a full day off for over a month.  I have put in at least 60 hours of work a week, often more like 75.  I look in the mirror and I think, how is this lifestyle reflective in any way of my values?   

If I were talking to someone else, I would be asking them what their exit strategy is.  Fortunately for me, I already have one.  If something is deeply not working, not in line with your values, get over any expectations you may have placed on yourself and make a change.  If you need to stick things through for awhile before that change will happen, somehow you'll have to make peace with the fact that it is okay to feel frustrated.  Things can be tough and you can still be okay.  My mantra lately has become, this is only temporary, see the big picture.  As was brilliantly stated to me this morning by my beautiful husband, "You are not supposed to like things that are hard, that's why they are called hard."  Which brings me to another point.  Don't suffer in silence.  I mean don't use your friends as a punching bag, but things don't have to be good all the time and it is okay to admit that things aren't great.  I think when we resist strongly certain emotions it means we haven't fully accepted them.... so I guess I have found a few more things to add to my list of things to accept!

So where is the light at the end of the tunnel?  In 12 weeks this experiment into ridiculous work hours is over.  I will have accomplished something I didn't think was possible, something that has brought me to tears and lead me to see and know myself more intimately.  I have learned a lot about myself and where I see myself in the future.  So, I will do my best, I will undoubtedly continue to be challenged and pushed to my edge, and hopefully, that is where I will see some truth.

10-day detox results

Well, my 10-day winter detox is over!!!  As always, it was quite informative.  Each season has a Dosha that will get out of whack, that accumulates and then shows up as physical, mental or emotional symptoms.  Winter, is Kapha season.  Signs that Kapha is out of balance are lethargy, sadness, weight gain beyond the normal few pounds we all pack on during winter, congestion, slow digestion, the list goes on and on!  It's normal for all of us to experience a bit of the above listed symptoms during Winter, and more likely for those of us with Kapha dosha (raises hand!).  That's right ladies and gentleman, I am a proud member of the Vata-Kapha club.  So I get nailed with imbalance for two seasons in a row.  Straight from anxiety producing autumn to depression filled winter....

JUST KIDDING!  I love Autumn, I have so much energy (which some people might call deranged Vata)!  I also appreciate that Winter tells me to rest.  Speaking of resting, one of the insights I gained over my 10-day detox was how fatigued I have been.  We moved from Seattle to Honolulu in August and it has been non-stop since we step foot on this Island.  New city, new job, grad school, new community, change, change, change.  My Vata spirit loves change!  However, Vata girl + Vata season + Vata lifestyle = Vata imbalance.  Oh, I also flew from Honolulu-LA-Chicago-West Palm Beach-LA-Honolulu in 10 days over my school and work break.  Nothing like flying to amp up your Vata.  So, back to the point. 

I was completely exhausted.  So even though my life was as busy as ever during the detox, I drank herbal tea.  I took naps.  I religiously abhyasa'd, something that can go out the window against my better knowledge when I get busy.  Note to self: make sure to abhyasa & get enough sleep!  Another thing I noticed was that wheat isn't digesting well for me in the morning, wheat is a Kapha inducing food.  So I will forgo the toast and stick to eating rice with cinnamon, cloves and cardamom for breakfast at least until Kapha season is over.  By the way, after 10 days of a simple diet, I find I don't want the extras and I am not craving processed food.  Vegetables taste divine simply prepared.  I also had a cup of coffee that was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted, and appreciated its power to make me focus (it makes not interesting things interesting!!!).  Decisively, 10-day detox diets always teach me something, and help me to slow down and simplify.

Sadhana in the midst of chaos

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of practice.  For a teacher of yoga, I think it is necessary.  When we feel good, we practice.  When we feel bad, we practice.  When there are a million other things we "should" be doing we practice.  Part of the reason I think it is important to practice as daily as possible as an instructor has to do with authenticity; walk the walk, practice what you preach, all those mottos come to mind.

 

This week was completely insane.  Actually, let me back up, the past few weeks have been completely ridiculous.  I have been burning the candle at both ends, waking up at 6am and working until near midnight.  Weekends?  They haven't really existed, that is to say, I take it easier, squeeze in a surf session; but still put in at least 5 hours a day of work.  Normally, I wake up, do asana, pranayama and meditation in the morning, or do my whole practice when I get home from campus. With so much to do and so little time, I had to get creative on how to work my practice into my life.  Rather than sitting on my bolster in my living room, I decided my daily meditation this week would occur biking to campus and then from campus to home.  Thich Nhat Hanh writes on moving meditations in his book Being Peace,

            "Walking meditation is really to enjoy the walking.  Walking not in order to arrive, just for walking.  The purpose is to be in the present moment and enjoy each step you make.  Therefore you have to shake off all worries and anxieties, not thinking of the future, not thinking of the past, just enjoying the present moment." (110-111)

So, I took this passage to heart and tried a biking meditation.  It was delightful and necessary with so much happening in my life.  

 This week will be less hectic.  I will be able to get some decent sleep and get back on my cushion.  I will not forget however, to clear my head while biking.  Leave what ever has happened in the morning as it is on my way out the door and breath with a wide, spacious mind on my bicycle, not worrying about what is to come when I arrive at my destination.  In my mind, the more moments during the day we can clear our heads and breath, the more our deeds are in line with our values, we say and do what we mean to.  The more we are present the more opportunities we will have to observe beauty and appreciate all that is good in our lives.  Moment to moment to moment . . .